When’s the last time you’ve been “phubbed?” You know what I mean, you’re having brunch with a friend while she’s texting someone else the whole time. Or, you think your husband is listening to you talk about your day, complete with “uh-huhs,” only to look up and see his eyes glued to his phone. I only have a baby now so we don’t allow her to text yet, but I can imagine how much teenagers phub their parents. Phubbing – phone snubbing – may sound silly but it’s something that is negatively affecting many of our relationships and it’s time we put our phones away. It’s time for a digital detox.
According to the Stop Phubbing site, it’s “the practice of ignoring one’s companion or companions in order to pay attention to one’s phone or another mobile device.” Nobody wants to be phubbed. But unfortunately it happens every day, everywhere, and we’re all guilty of it.
Phubbing can ruin our relationships.
Baylor University conducted a study showing that almost 50% of the 450 people surveyed felt “phubbed” by their partner, and for 22 percent of them, it directly leads to a fight or conflict. Sounds about right. How many times have we asked a family member or had them ask us, “Are you even listening to me?”
It’s no surprise then that according to another survey, 70% of participants said “phubbing” was hurting their ability to connect with their partner. Who knew such a small device could wreak havoc on our marriages.
Of course, phubbing doesn’t only hurt marriages. As I mentioned before, we do it to our friends, family, and co-workers. I do, however, think it hurts marriages the most. In front of our friends, we might try to be at least a little more aware when we are doing it.
If I catch myself scrolling Instagram while chatting with a friend I try to immediately put it away. But it’s different with our families. We may justify that since the family isn’t going away it is okay to multitask and tune them out. I can listen AND check my email.
It’s Time for a Digital Detox
But it’s not just social media that we snub others with. Our phones contain the weather, email, games, and texts that can distract us from the real world. The problem is not that we do it though, the problem is how often. According to Julie Hart, an Australian relationship expert, we check our phones every 4-6 minutes. That equals 150 times a day.
Are we spending that much quality, uninterrupted time with our family and friends – or – do Instagram, email and the latest news alert creep in? And, this is very convicting for me, but am I spending that much time with God or reading my Bible? Unfortunately, I’ve been phubbing my faith the most. Yes, a digital detox might help improve your relationship with God, too.
The other day I caught myself trying to rush through my devotions so I could check how many Instagram likes I got on my last post. This is embarrassing but I have a feeling I might not be alone.
RELATED: My 10 Commandments of Blogging
While I am so grateful for social media – especially as an introvert – more often it feeds into my insecurities than helps me genuinely feel connected to people. It is also addicting. Social media platforms know this, keep us hooked, and coming back for more.
There are many times I will check Facebook or Instagram just because I’m bored. Or end up going to bed much later than I wanted because I got caught up in scrolling through endless photos on Instagram. The problem is that we’re so addicted we almost can’t turn it off when we’re with other people. Not only are our relationships hurting, but it’s a major time suck, as well. If you can relate, you might enjoy this article on how to fight discontentment in an Instagram perfect world.
So what can we do?
Digital Detox Challenge
Here are some tips I plan to implement into my own life over the next few weeks and might be helpful for you, too.
1.) I am going to carve out time each day that I will commit to not looking at my phone. For me, I am going to schedule it in the morning so I can fully focus on my devotions and not what’s happening on Instagram.
2.) I am going to commit to putting my phone away when I am eating dinner with my husband, family, or friends.
3.) I will take off all social media alerts from my phone. (Another great option would be to take the apps off altogether.)
4.) While it is tempting to check my phone during commercial breaks, I will commit to not checking it because it only feeds into the addiction.
5.) Lastly, I am going to ask my husband and friends to keep me accountable and call me out if they catch me phubbing them. Sometimes we might not even realize it.
We can do this. We can give our family and friends the full attention they deserve and need. And don’t worry, Instagram will be there the next day. I bet we won’t miss much.
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I agree and this speaks to me. I like to hide my phone or put it away often times just so we can talk and have more interaction, etc.
haha hiding it is a great idea!
Nailed it! When smartphones first came out, it was even more tempting… but now it’s getting easier. Maybe a byproduct of ME getting older and realizing that there’s nothing on my phone that’s more interesting than what’s going on right in front of me. Turning off all notifications is a huge help. And yes! Checking during commercials feeds the addiction more than anything. I’ll be sharing your post!
Thank you so much, Sue!
I find putting our phones in a drawer or in another room helps fight the temptation (out of sight, out of mind). I’m pretty good at not using it in certain time frames, but my husband struggles. I literally have to remind him that there’s nothing life altering going on that he should be worried about in that moment and the most important people are in the room with him. Great reminder, Sarah!
Thanks, Cara! I will have to try your tip of putting it in another room.
I think this is such an important thing to recognize. I am like you, an introvert, and have found I prefer social media socializing much more than face to face socializing. It’s important to set limits though. I am going to use some of your suggestions! Thank you!
Thanks Melanie and good luck!
I agree and need to make more of an effort to stay off my phone at certain times of the day.
You and I both :)
I’m guilty of this. I’ve gotten better at recognizing when it happens and actively stopping. But when I’m not phubbing other people I’m phubbing myself! I use the Forest App to keep myself off my phone for up to 2 hours at a time.
I will have to look into that app! I’ve never heard of it.
This is so hard, I agree!! I esp. feel as a blogger, that I am always trying to keep up on all the social media. I am trying to get better at putting my phone down, so I can focus on the now. Also, we totally have a phone free dinner.
Yesss…it’s an even bigger issue for us bloggers who need to respond to others in a timely manner.
Argh. This is very convicting, both for the time I spend with my husband, where we both just want to wind down, and also for the time I spend with my daughter. In order to teach her the value in relationship, I can’t be hiding behind my phone while she plays. This is a good truth and a good reminder today.
Thanks, Jordan. It is something I am keeping in mind as I prepare to have a baby in April!
If I’m an using my phone and someone comes to talk to me, I make an effort to stop what I’m doing and give them my attention. It does not work to continue texting, playing or surfing and talk to someone. It divides your attention and very often you will totally miss what the person talking is saying; I know because I’ve been guilty of this a time or two. Also, they will feel that what they have to say is not important to you, and I never want to make someone feel that way. Good post. Thanks for sharing!
Yes! You said it so well.
Haha, what a funny blog post but serious at the same time! you have some good goals set. I should adopt some of them, all it will take is a little discipline at first and then hopefully become 1st nature. Thanks for bringing phubbing to light!
~Lilly
http://www.theoccupiedoptimist.com
This is a great blog post. Not only do my husband and I do this to each other but some days I feel like work is overwhelming so I don’t give my son the attention he needs. I know I need to make changes.
I try to get all of my blogging and social media done during the day so when I’m off work unless I have it scheduled in then I disconnect with my phone. It’s hurt a few of my friends relationships so I’m careful about it.
Leslie – I love that!
As I am watching older shows I see them use flip phones, remember when that was cool-no internet required and not having a giant screen in your face. I like to “lose” my phone for a bit just to be disconnected from it all. As a blogger though this can be so hard :(
Right…nothing to look at on a flip phone unless we were actually talking to someone
Yes! I hate phubbing! I think it has gotten to a ridiculous point in our society. I often see people not conversing with those around them, but on their phones.
ugh this so true! i def need to realize that having time w/ my husband is more important for a little bit than being on my phone!
I couldn’t agree more! While it’s hard not to constantly check your phone especially if you’re running a business that uses social media, it should be a priority to not reach for it when you’re spending quality time with people who matter.
Belle | http://www.OneAwesomeMomma.com
Yessss. Like I said, I still have to check for my blog but not constantly when I am with others.
Wow! This was a really eye-opening read. Definitely going to be reevaluating my habits.
I never knew there was a term for this!
I work usually via phone when I’m out but I’ve also learned that spending time with people is also important and should be a priority. I try to keep my balance with work and personal life, which is harder than it seems!
Haha yah I think it’s a fairly new term!
I always try to put my phone away after the work day ends. As an entrepreneur it was hard at first. I never wanted to “miss that inquiry.” Then I realized if that person really wanted to work with me they’d understand that I have a life and they can wait until the morning for a reply.
Exactly!
I didn’t realize it had a name! So many people do this when we’re out at dinner that I find myself doing it, too. So annoying! We make it a point to put our phones down when we eat at home.
Ok, I feel a little slow here but I didn’t know this behavior had a name. Good to know! ;) I love this post because it’s such a huge problem for probably every family and relationship on the planet at this point.
I’ve been both on the receiving end of Phubbing and guilty of doing the Phubbing.
I love your suggestions to put your phone totally away at times when you want to be more focused. I’ve also stopped by phone notifications for things like social media updates from my phone a long time ago! I’m sharing this post to a couple places, I think it will be very helpful for a lot of people!
Thanks for sharing, Brandi! And I didn’t know if had a name until recently too. haha
I LOVE that you wrote about this!! this has always been a big rule in my house (from high school to with my husband). No phones while eating meals together, on walks, or when we ask for undivided attention. It keeps things super fair when we are in conversations together, but leaves room for the other person to be on during tv times or in between moments! What’s crazy to me today, is how many parents are phubbing their kids and not realizing it! My mom and her husband and my husbands parents to it to us allll the time!
Rachel – I love that it was a rule in your house! And very true, unfortunately parents phubb their kids too which is something I am going to try to be aware of!
Whoa I love the name phubbing – haha! It def takes intentionality – hubby and I try to be good at it but def need some work!
I swear sometimes I feel like my phone is surgically glued to my hand, I need to work on that, because I’m an introverted like you, I find it easier to communicate through it.
If this isn’t my husband and I. Without even wanting too our quality time has turned into us staring at our phones. Trying to stop is hard
It’s so true..and with kids, it’s even more important to put your phone away. They pick up on everything!!!
True!!
Great article. I’ve never heard if the term phubbing, but I’m spreading the news. There’s a rule within my circle, family or friends, phones are only out if a picture is to be taken. Other than that, phones are to be used only when you’re alone.
SPREAD THE WORD!
I have never heard this particular phrase.
Believe it or not, there was a time when people did not carry phones with them. It was back when dinosaurs ruled the Earth. I was there, I know. Oddly, we got along just fine, and when this invention called an answering machine came out, it was pretty cool, we could check for calls when we got home!
I admit, a phone is great for emergencies and sadly, there are no or few payphones left :/ Gosh they came in handy. We used to even have sayings about them.
Anyway I digress…. there is nothing worse than to be talking to someone and there hey are on the phone, or they answer the phone without so much as a polite ‘do you mind if I get this?’ seeing if the call is an emergency and if not, continue talking.
I swear in the future if people dont ge off the phones their heads are going to be permanently bent downward. So much time looking down into a world online, and no time to look at friends, family or nature. Oh they do take selfies, and then go back to their own world.
I will be honest, I rarely look at anyones instagram or anything else. I dont have time. Heck I rarely have time to comment on blogs I might enjoy. But I decided to rant here.
Put DOWN that phone. Enjoy life. You only have a finite amount of minutes, is instagram or whatever it is you are addicted to worth missing out on other things? If you must scroll through the mess, limit it to a certain time, or better yet use it as a reward.
BTW, I do own a cellphone and nope I dont have a clue how to use it except the basics. I carry it for emergencies and most times forget to take it with me!
I shared this in hopes others quit phubbing (and btw I came from Raise Your Garden a terrific blog who recommended you)
Yes, yes yes to all of this!
Hi, I hadn’t hear the term ‘phubbing’ before – it’s so useful! Thank you :)