In college, my girlfriends and I asked a lot of questions.
Should I pursue a career if I know that ultimately I just want to get married and have kids? What if I want to work and have kids? If I make more money than my husband, can he stay at home? If I want kids, but I’m single now, is it okay to still pursue a Master’s Degree (or Law Degree, or PhD.) even though I may not end up using it? Can I do both? Can I have it all?
Fast forward 10 years and I still don’t have all the answers, but that doesn’t mean there is a shortage of advice out there.
Sheryl Sandberg, CEO of Facebook and author of Lean In, a book on helping women reach their full potential would say yes you can have it all – by making smarter choices. She believes women unintentionally hold themselves back by basing decisions on future events that haven’t happened yet, instead of making the best choices now. Sandberg is a mother and a wife until her husband, unfortunately, passed away not too long ago.
Meanwhile, Anne-Marie Slaughter, a professor emerita at Princeton University, former dean of Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International affairs, and former director of policy planning for the U.S. State Department wrote a response opinion editorial in 2012 titled, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.” In 2011, 18 months into her new job at the State Department, Slaughter left her high-powered (and we can assume well-paid) job to focus more time on her family, including her then 14-year old son who was having trouble in school.
At quick glance it seems these two women are working against each other. Sandberg says women need to start making better decisions about their career so they can reach their personal best. Slaughter, meanwhile, seems to take a more realistic approach about juggling both a demanding career and family. Both however, say it’s possible under the right circumstances and with help. Whether that help comes from understanding husbands, as Sandberg suggests, an employer who offers more flexible or part-time hours as Slaughter offers, or as Katherine Zaleski recently wrote in an Elle article, her nanny.
Now, I don’t have any kids yet, but it’s an issue I began thinking about in college, years before I would even meet my husband. That’s because women are forward thinkers, especially on matters dealing with love and family. We want to know what to expect and what we can do now to get where we want to be.
But unfortunately, it sometimes seems like the Bible provides little help in this matter. While it is black and white on topics like murder, stealing, and adultery, other topics in life – such as career, family and gender roles – seem to fall into a gray area.
Can Women Have It All: Work-Life Balance in Focus
Here’s my take…
Because it is not spelled out, some Christians take that to mean they can do whatever they want – free in Christ! But this opens the door to a lot of unwise and presumptuous decisions.
The good news is that God has left us with tools to help figure out His will for us in the gray areas. His Word, though not black and white on all topics, provides principles and often boundaries to help us make decisions with confidence that we are in His will, regardless if our decision looks different than someone else’s.
He’s also left us with the Holy Spirit. In John 16, Jesus says, “It is good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you…when He, the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth.”
Every single or married woman will face confusing situations where we wish there was an easy right or wrong answer. But because Scripture tells us that God says “Seek wisdom and truth and your answers by seeking Me. I will guide you in the way you should go,” we trust that God will lead us in all areas, even the confusing ones.
In Ephesians we find a command to submit to our husbands, as we would to the Lord. “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (NIV) (Ephesians 5:22-24)
You probably agree that as a Christian woman we must submit to Christ, but did you know we are to submit to our husbands the same way we would to Christ?
Our other example is the way the church submits to Christ, and that is how we must submit to our husbands. (The other side of that is that husbands must love their wives the way Christ loves the church! Yes!)
Now you may wonder what this has to do with career decisions. It means that your husband comes before your job. He and his needs are before your career. Complicating matters, let’s add kids into the mix. What now? Is your career pushed even lower? I think the story of the famous “Proverbs 31” woman sheds a lot of wisdom on this situation.
She is such a woman of character that she brings honor to her husband. Because of her wisdom, hard work and love, her children praise her. Due to her excellent household management skills, her family never has to worry about food, or warm clothing or shelter. She has done so well she even provides generously for her servants and has extra to help the poor. This wife and mother rises early in the morning and stays up late at night to make sure everyone is taken care of.
I think that’s important to note. Her family was her primary area of influence and responsibility. The fact that she had extra for the poor and was also a smart, savvy businesswoman on the side is an added bonus. While there are other industrious women mentioned in the Bible – Deborah the judge, and Queen Esther – the Proverbs woman is our ideal.
First Timothy 5:14 says a wife’s priority must be her family and her household must be “managed.” Titus 2:5 says, “keepers of the home.” That’s a black and white fact. But it never says women can’t work. The Bible never says you can’t both have kids and work. It just says to put your family first. You can work part-time, full-time or even be a CEO, as long as it doesn’t interfere with your primary responsibility to your family.
Of course, many of you already know how difficult that is. This is where hard choices and sacrifices come into the mix. Only a wife and her husband can decide this, but that is where you will need the Holy Spirit’s help in figuring out what is best for your family, and whether a career may be negatively affecting your family (and the same goes for husbands and their career decisions). You must give the issue to the Lord and humbly submit to where He leads you. There are many different situations out there and probably no two families will look the same.
But what if you’re single?
Chances are you’ve at least begun to wrestle with these questions. Should I pursue a ‘career’ if I know that ultimately I just want to get married and have kids? Will grad school be a waste of money? What if I want to work and have kids? How can I plan now?
The problem is that sometimes we’re asking questions before we need to. In Matthew we’re instructed not to worry about tomorrow, it comes with its own set of troubles. And since the Bible never says women can’t or shouldn’t work, when we’re single it seems we have the freedom to go as far, and fast, as we want after our dreams.
And I know about having dreams. In 7th grade, I decided I wanted to be a TV news reporter. So in college, I pursued degrees in communication and political science while also working for my school’s (very little) TV station. Months before I graduated I drove to stations in New York, Pennsylvania, and Ohio to meet with news directors asking how to get a job. After college, I worked, for free, in several stations as I inched my way up. I had a dream, I had a passion and I gave it my all.
RELATED POST: Do Women Still Face Challenges at Work?
At one point I even considered a graduate school for broadcast journalism and had my sights on American University. It sounded amazing. I’d move to Washington, D.C. and learn even more about the field, plus, the program included an overseas trip. Looking back I realize I didn’t really want the degree. I was just struggling to make it in the reporting world and was looking for a way out of it while still giving the impression I was “chasing” after my dreams.
What ultimately led me to decide against pursuing the degree was the cost – more than $50,0000 at the time. As exciting as the opportunity looked, I couldn’t justify putting myself in that much debt when I was unsure it was my real calling.
That’s not to say I made the right decision for all women. I just made the right decision for me at the time. Maybe God does have a plan where He is going to take you to the top, and that includes higher education and a high-profile career. Just remember to be wise, and as the Bible recommends: examine yourself.
One way to do this would be to look for a motive. As I’ve already said, maybe God has planted this amazing dream in your heart, but it’s in competition with another dream, or not with a pure motive.
Perhaps you want to work, but only because you feel you’ll be bored at home alone with kids, not able to afford that bigger house you want, it brings you a sense of worth, or you like the admiration you receive.
This are wrong motives for wanting to work.
But then again, you may be on the opposite end of the spectrum. Maybe you want a husband to provide because you’d rather not worry about the bills, and instead want to get pedicures every week instead of dealing with co-workers. These are also the wrong motives for wanting to stay home. Referring back to 1 Timothy 5:14, this would not fall under “managing” your home well.
So ask why you want to work. Is it a God-given dream, or is for your own pride? Does working interfere with your ability to serve God? Does NOT working take away your ability to serve God where you know He wants you?
Too often our identity is wrapped up in what “we do.” I’ve lived in D.C. for five years now and the first question people always asked after your name is, “And what do you do?” It creates an atmosphere where you feel an immense pressure to impress those around you with your job title. It can also create immense pressure to keep working or feel like you don’t belong in this city if you do choose to stay home.
Are you more concerned about what others will say about you – or God’s plan for your life? Ultimately our identity is in Christ, not in our job, or lack of.
But if all lights are green to go after your passions and dreams, go after them with all you’ve got! And don’t forget to thank God for giving you that dream in the first place.
Of course, for others of you, the thought of going after your “passions” and “pursuing your dreams” is laughable. You’re just trying to make ends meet every month. Pursuing your passions is not even an option. But maybe you’re also trying to follow God’s plan for your life and sick of people looking down on you for working so hard, or having to put your kid in daycare while you try to keep your head above the flood of bills.
Maybe you’re single and would do anything to have a husband to take care of you or have the opportunity to pursue what you really want, but that’s just not where you are at right now. But by providing for yourself when no one else will and taking care of your family – you are living in His will and doing the best you can. Take comfort in that knowledge and go to God daily with your requests.
RELATED POST: Learning to Surrender My Career to God
Be cautious of people that tell you that a Christian woman can’t or shouldn’t work. Or that she shouldn’t pursue her passions wholeheartedly. All across the Bible, we see this is just not true. But be equally cautious of people that tell you a woman should work to prove her worth and that she should always put herself first. That we know is unbiblical. As women, we don’t like to be told we can’t do it all. Just because we are able to do multiple things, doesn’t mean we should.
On the flip-side, as long as we’re following God and His Word, we don’t need to worry if we’re always making the right choices or not. As long as we’re willing to surrender our decisions to Him – and lean on His understanding – we can trust He will always direct our paths.
Let’s Connect! Facebook || Pinterest || Instagram || Twitter
What a thorough tackling of this topic! Thanks for the in-depth insight. Definitely something I’ll be thinking on- I’m guilty of getting ahead of God in this sense…avoiding pursuing some dreams and asking what He wants from me now in big stuff like career because I don’t want to set myself up to fail in the greater dream of being a mom whenever He blesses that way. This was a great perspective-check.
Thank you! #TestimonyTuesday
Thanks, Bethany. I tried to be sensitive too in that I know it can be a tricky topic.
This was just what I needed to read today! I chose to quit college after 3 months because I knew God wanted me to be a wife and stay-at-home mom. I wasn’t even married yet. But, I didn’t want to bring all that debt into marriage. I did work 2 jobs, though, during that time. I ended up married about 3 years later. And now it’s been 19 years, and I’m a stay-at-home, home school mom with my oldest being a senior in high school already. 🙂 It hasn’t always been easy, and there have been times when I wish I was bringing in a steady paycheck. I wouldn’t trade the time spent with my kids and the time spent managing my home for anything!
I’ve really been thinking about the whole women’s role thing lately. There are some out there who think it’s just plain wrong to work at all if you’re a wife and mom, but I tend toward your way of thinking. You wrote exactly what I’ve been pondering! Thanks for taking the time to write out your thoughts. They encouraged me today.
Thank you, Brandi! God bless you for all you’ve done and continue to do for your family. 🙂
I really enjoyed your thoughts on this Sarah! And the invitation to look for motive really hit home! I think you were the perfect combination of sensitive and thought provoking and did a great job of pointing people to desiring what God has for them individually rather than what society dictates.
difficult issues to grapple with today when society tells women that maintaining a home and raising children are ‘not enough’. while I think that God calls us to lots of roles across the span of our life time, (see Prov 31 as you indicated) mothers (and fathers) should never neglect the supreme importance of raising children in the faith… and that no matter how great a school or church program is, the responsibility of training up a child “in the way they should go” is primarily given to parents. (prov 22, deut 6) I think you did a great job of balancing up relevant thoughts in this touchy subject.
Thank you, Karen
“Too often our identity is wrapped up in what ‘we do.’ I’ve lived in D.C. for five years now and the first question people always asked after your name is, ‘And what do you do?’” Oh, my, YES. This is every SAHMs least-favorite question. But I appreciate your wider perspective here, that this identity-in-doing is a struggle for all of us. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful words and your heart, Sarah! Stopping by from Faith ‘n’ Friends!
Motivation of the heart. I am so glad you took time to point that out! I think this is the best factor to consider as we navigate our life decisions. Who are we serving?
It’s helped me answer many of my own questions…
I believe women can have it all but not at the same time. For Christians, our all ought to be rooted in what God wants us to do and what he’s called us to do. When we embrace his will and plan for our lives, we have it ALL.
I love that – when we embrace God’s will for our life then we will have it all!
Sarah,
You did a fantastic job here of aligning this issue to the Word of God. There isn’t a cut and dry answer. It is determining where the desire is coming from, determining what works for your particular family, and aligning it with the Word of God. It looks different for each family. I always got upset when people had to lock themselves into one camp or another – working or stay-at-home. I respect both types of Moms! I was a sahm, but it wasn’t something I had always planned on doing nor felt that it was a MUST. It’s the way God wrote our lives. In each step, I followed His lead and He has blessed that obedience immensely!
Thanks so much for sharing this great post with us at Moments of Hope! Being a Mama is a tough job. Having God’s Word firmly in our hearts and as a guide to our decisions will only help ease the transitions and decision making. And in that there is great big HOPE!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Thanks, Lori!
Sarah, thank you for this balanced commentary on working wives, and mothers.
The Bible definitely gives us principles, to guide our lives!
Proverbs 31 living
Indeed!
I’d say yes, but then, I might be bias. 🙂
Great points here!
haha some days I definitely like to think so too.
I think that it’s all individual. If you want it all, you can generally have it all. If you want to pursue the high paid careers and training that they require, you will do and then will either earn enough to pay for help ( I was a nanny for 15 years so have worked for a few women that have ‘had to all”) or will struggle though and make it work – somehow. Or, you will follow your career dreams but may realise that becoming a mother has changed you and you don’t want it all anymore. Finally, you might be perfectly happy to not have it al and a job that you love whilst waiting for life to begin as a mother and wife. That was the path I chose. One thing that I would say from peeking in to the private lives of some very high flying women: they don’t always have it all – behind closed doors, it’s a different story or occasionally, they don’t always want it all and the career can still remain the goal and the children tick the box. Thank you for doing the #weekendblogshare.I look forward to reading your comment on my blog!
This is such a well written post. I love how you encourage women to pursue God’s guidance before they decide to pursue all things. I have the pleasure of working from home and still being here for my kids all the time. I have to work around my families’ schedule though daily. Sometimes it becomes quite a challenge, but it’s still a blessing.
You had me going through my Bible quite a bit this morning, and it was WONDERFUL. I’m so glad you visited my blog so that I could meet you. I look forward to reading more from you.
Thank you Crystal! So nice to meet you too. 🙂
Very good. And I would add that getting an education and work experience in never wasted. You may be called to be at home with kids, but it may be for a season. Your husband may lose his job, become ill or die. Or there may be divorce. I want my 2 grown daughters to be in a position to support themselves and their children. One is a stay at home mom of 2. One has her first baby due in February and plans to be a stay at home mom. I received my masters degree in ed. 3 days before I had my first child and never went back to teaching. However that degree and work experience opened the doors to part time jobs that enabled me to stay at home with my kids and work part time. You are right – it is not a one size fits all thing and we must all (husbands and wives) be guided by the Holy Spirit in every decision.
Agreed…any experience we gain can be used!
Wow! These are some serious questions that don’t have an earthly answer, at least most of the time. I went to college first to study Oceanography, the chemistry killed me, then I looked into design, but my heart wasn’t in the classes. I finished with Psychology. I love to help people. When I left college I realized that I made a lot more money and was really skilled at working in a restaurant. My psychology really came in handy there, no joke.
I still love the Ocean and sharks, whales and all marine life. I dabble in decor. But first and most I am a wife and a mother. I would say for me, I have it all. And I feel as if I was being led through each step to the place I am now.
I love your journey Nikki 🙂
Wow this was such a well thought out post! I definitely find myself struggling with wanting to do everything, but also having hesitation because of what other things I want to pursue in my future. I love how you put God and his guidance at the forefront 🙂
Thank you, Chelsea!
I appreciate your balanced perspective on this. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of being legalistic on the subject. I interned in DC during college, so I know what you mean about the emphasis on careers.
Laura, I definitely tried to be balanced because I know women choose many different paths and never want to say one is better than another.
Great post! As a full time working mom of two, I can tell you it is NOT easy to try to have it all!
I love this. I can totally relate. I am an attorney, but my husband and I are wanting to start a family soon and it’s this back and forth on giving up a career i worked for for the last 8 years v. wanting to be 100% with my kids. It’s such a hard decision and constant worry. But all I know is that if I listen to God and His plan, not mine, it will be way better than I could have planned.
Kristen – exactly!
Thanks Sarah- I’ve been struggling a lot with this since going back to work. I feel like life is so crazy that I’m not able to do any one thing well. I appreciate your perspective on Proverbs 31.
I think it is easy for women to get ahead of themselves, worrying about future decisions. The thing is, what we want and what our dreams are change over time. The path often takes us in unexpected directions.
Yes, women can have it all. I live it every day! And “all” is different for everyone to live live with intention and purpose. Great post!
Your faith posts are always my favorite! You always give such awesome wisdom and this one is no exception. I love how you covered the Holy Spirit, God delivering us through, not being afraid of making the wrong decision, and being wise about what we can handle all in the same post. Awesome!
Thank you so much, Kristin! You are truly a great encourager 🙂