Political pundits love to use the phrase “War on Women” every time they believe women’s rights are being restricted in the workplace and in society. Yet, the more I look around me, and in my own life, I’d argue that there is indeed a war on women, but it’s a war we often rage against ourselves.
I recently heard about two women at a Bible study that got into an argument about whether Christian women should go back to work after having a baby. Neither had a child or was even married but both were certain they were right. While the disagreement eventually died down, both women left angry and determined they were right. Besides women judging other women on career choices, we also judge each other for a whole string of reasons. She’s too bossy. She’s too introverted. She makes poor financial decisions. She’s pursuing the wrong career. She initiates toward guys too much. She allows her boyfriend to “walk all over her.”
How To Stop the Other War on Women
I tend to lean very traditional in matters of life, work, and home, but I don’t often get into disagreements with other women over it. However, I have silently judged them.
I once judged my friend who wanted her husband to stay home with their kids because she made more money. I’ve also (silently) criticized women who decided to return to work after having a baby for being selfish. Or (not so silently) asked whether that was the best decision.
Then again, I’ve had friends tell me they’ve criticized other women who choose to be stay-at-home moms and homemakers. They judged them while believing these women were throwing away their education and talents.
But our issue isn’t really with each other’s choices. For me, I was lamenting that I wasn’t married yet and didn’t have the option of getting to figure out a work/life balance. Instead of encouraging my friends to make the best decision for their families, I’d take out my jealousy on them.
I’ve judged to make myself feel better about my own choices. But the Bible has many warnings against this. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2). In other words, if you are judging others wrongly, or in cases that the Bible does not speak on (differences and gray areas) by the same unfair measure, you will be judged, too.
That’s not to say there isn’t a place to judge or speak to your brother or sister about their sins — but make sure it is a sin and not just because you disagree with his or her choice. Here are four guidelines the Bible offers on judging:
1. Judge only Other Believers.
It’s easy to judge non-Christians. They’re sinning all over the place! But the Bible clearly states that we are not to judge nonbelievers. First Corinthians 5:12 says, “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside.”
It should come as no surprise that nonbelievers do not obey God’s Word. But we are still called to live life with them. After all, aren’t we sinners ourselves? Instead, giving a reason for the hope that is in us, let’s live a pure and blameless life before everyone.
2. Judge based on Biblical principles.
We’re told in 1 Corinthians 5:11 not to associate with brothers and sisters (Christians) that claim Christ, but are blatant about their sins and show no repentance: the sexually immoral, idolaters, chronic liars, drunks or cheats. The Bible says do not even eat with them. These are the people that are defiant about their sin, knowing they’re wrong but not caring. We are to judge them but always in truth and with pure motives. Being right isn’t an excuse to be unkind. We must think about how we would want a friend to approach us about our sins.
3. Examine yourself first before judging others.
Are there sins you need to repent of and get right with God about before you are able to approach your sister or brother about theirs?
Don’t judge if you have a plank in your eye. As an example, if I was involved in a sexually immoral relationship but called out my friend for being a glutton, I’d be trying to take a piece of dirt out of her eye while knocking others over with the log in my own. First, let’s take the log out of our own eyes and then go to our brother and sister about theirs. Then we can all see more clearly.
4. Be willing to let others speak into your life.
Do not judge, or as Christians like to say nowadays, “speak the truth in love,” unless you are willing to let others speak into your life as well. We are quick to see other’s shortcomings — and tell them about it — but heaven forbid someone points out our not-so-Christ-like habits. How dare they… I’ve thought when someone’s called me out. Yet when we do the same it is just “speaking the truth in love” to a sister. Let’s allow others to speak into our lives, and they will be more willing to do the same.
I know at times God has called me to speak the truth with more boldness to people in my life. But at the same time, I have learned to check my heart first and make sure I am not wrongly judging them, too. What I’ve never seen in the Bible is to teach each other because we disagree on Santa, eating organic food, or whether or not we want to pursue a certain career. Instead, it says to speak the truth to each other, backed up by Scripture and always after prayer.
Forget men’s “war against women.” As women, let’s stop the war against ourselves. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to each other, stop assuming others are judging us and stop trying to prove we have it all together. Instead, let’s surrender our dreams and hopes at the foot of the cross and ask, “Lord, what is Your will for my life?” Then when we find peace knowing we’re following God’s will for our lives — and not our own or someone else’s — we can encourage other women to do the same.
Let’s create allies, not enemies. It’s time to call a treaty in this war.
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Great points.
Hello~ I really appreciated this post because God has been laying this notion of war on my heart as well. I normally do not do this, but because our posts are on the same topic I thought you might like to read my post from a few weeks ago. We truly are our own worst enemies. Thank You for sharing an important topic we need to talk about! http://www.jesusglitter.com/2016/09/01/what-are-you-teaching-your-daughter-about-equality/
I really like you have addressed this issue on women at war with other women. Judged if you are a stay at home mom, judged if you work and have kids, have to many kids or not enough, got married to young or why aren’t you married by now. You didn’t go to college what is wrong with you. We are our own worst enemies.
Yes, we certainly can be!
This is such a great guide for such a powerful topic! Thanks for diving into this one, so encouraging!
Thank you, Nicole!
WOW, what a lovely post! This is exactly the sort of thing we women need to hear.
Your blog is so pretty and positive! I just signed up for the newsletter 🙂
You’re so sweet thank you!!
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! I have so much I agree with here, but thank you for pointing out that it’s okay and that basically we are called to judge and call out other brothers & sisters in Christ (with grace & salt, of course!) 100% examine yourself, but people need to remember…”Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17.
Yes, I definitely believe in the right contexts it is Biblical!
This is such an important topic! My husband and I have struggled with infertility for many years, and I definitely let my jealousy of others’ ease to have kids affect my judgment. I also completely agree with your points about when it’s okay to judge and call out others but to keep yourself in check, too.
Yes to both, Rose! I’ve let me jealousy affect my judgment but at times it is ok to do so.
You can’t complain about your neighbors front porch if you haven’t swept your own! Visiting from Blogging with Heart
Haha great quote!
I don’t believe in judging others at all. Of course, I’m not perfect at this, but I certainly try to be. I use discernment for things like if I want to let people into my life. Everyone has their own experience in life and we don’t really know all that is going on. What bothers me the most is how people polarize against each other in so many areas, including whether to stay home with kids.
I would have loved to have stayed at home, but my husband left and I was a single mom. My friend stayed home with hers only to learn how much she loved working later. She felt that working made her happy and wishes she had been that way more for her kids. There is no right or wrong. We have our own stories. And, we are all in this together, not against each other.
Exactly! Your kids have a strong mom, Linda.
This is SO GOOD in so many ways, Sarah! Everything about it. I love the verses you included too – such a helpful reminder.
Coming Up Roses
Thank you, Erica. That means a lot.
An interesting perspective. As a Christian political and parenting blogger this issue is near and dear to my heart, but I lean closer to the position of not judging others AT ALL. It’s not my job nor my responsibility. Its Gods and in the end all I can really do is be called to mission to those I disagree with by example.
Definitely agree that living by example is a powerful testimony!
I’ve always tried to live by the verse in Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”. It’s never a fun situation to have those around you judging you in a negative manner, so why do it to others? In a lot of ways I think it goes a long with “do unto others” and spreading kindness and shining your light is what we’re really supposed to do as Christians. Thanks for sharing this well-written post, Sarah. Such an important reminder for all of us.
Thanks, Cara. And oh goodness, that verse is so convicting when I remember it too!
Great post. We all need to work on supporting each other and accepting each other for who we are. This was a great reminder of that. Thank you!
http://www.flashesofdelight.com
Supporting and sharpening each other – amen to that!
I love this post so much! You are so right!! We need to stop judging others and focus on what God wants us to do.
Mhmm mhmm! 🙂
Thank you soooo much for pointing out that we are SUPPOSED to judge other believers. I get so tired of hearing that we “aren’t supposed to judge”! I think you would love my friends blog Hargraves Home and Hearth, she talks a lot about mommy wars and how they are destroying the church. Sharing!
Rebekah – awesome! I will check her out! And thank you for the share.
Oh, this was so, so good!! Thank you! A friend of mine just sent me your link because she knows how much I write on my blog about the issue of the mommy wars and all the ways in which they are adversely affecting the church and knew this article would be right up my alley. She was so right! Thank you again! This is such an important message.
Thanks, Rebekah – I’m heading over to your site now too!
Yes, this too! Seriously, why can’t we just love and support each other?