I’m not talking about difficult situations you get into with regular people. We’ve all had our fair share of disagreements with husbands, boyfriends, co-workers, roommates or parents. I’m talking about how to deal with difficult PEOPLE.
The ones that you can’t reason with. The ones that are consistently selfish or ungrateful, hard-to-please or always right. They can be manipulative or always complaining, always has to get their way, or lazy. For more examples just read through Proverbs. The book is full of examples of them, though there they’re called “fools.” (Although, I might suggest that if everyone you come in contact with is a “fool” that in actuality, you may be the difficult person.)
But God loves that person. Not only does He love them but He loves them as much as He loves you. And He wants us to love them too. Not a sappy everything-is-great kind of love. Nor an “I will tolerate you because I’m supposed to” kind of love. He wants us to love them with the kind of love that points them to Christ and His everlasting love.
This is not an easy task. It requires sacrifice, a lot of patience, and sometimes even blood, sweat and tears. Plenty of articles out there, even Christian ones, state that we should “cut out” difficult people from our lives. They just add stress to our lives and we deserve better.
But that’s a cop-out because God has a better plan for both of you. Maybe He has to make both of you uncomfortable to do what He needs to do. Perhaps He allows this difficult person in your life so He can use you to speak the truth to them. Equally as likely, maybe it’s also to soften your rough edges. God is relational and He wants us to learn to love each other with the same kind of love He gives to us – unconditional, undeserving, and always in abundance.
Unfortunately often – speaking mainly for myself – we respond the opposite way God desires us to. We fight or we flee. When we fight we stand up to them, tell them exactly why they are a jerk or crazy or annoying – and to top it off, pat ourselves on the back for helping “sanctify” them. Worse yet, as Christians sometimes we go around plucking bits of dirt out of each other’s eyes while simultaneously knocking over innocent bystanders with the log in ours.
Or we run.
Unfortunately, this is often how I deal with conflict. I don’t want to be anywhere near conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it, even ignoring the Holy Spirit’s voice to speak the truth into situations. I don’t want to stir up anything, or more likely, deal with the person’s (possibly crazy) reactions.
We all must deal with difficult people and when I say deal I mean to address the problem in one way or another. Otherwise, we’ll just become bitter on our end and the other person probably will have no idea they are a pain in the behind. I’ve learned that constantly fighting a difficult person though, or constantly running away will accomplish little. The trick, I think, is to learn when to speak up, and when to let go, forgive and move on.
How to Deal with Difficult People
1.) First, place the situation and difficult person before God.
Let Him know – and be honest – all the details. Repent of un-Christ-like methods you’ve used in the past (anger, revenge, nagging, yelling, fleeing) and ask for His help.
2.) Pray specifically about how you should deal with this person on a daily basis.
Daily as in each individual problem. Should you approach the person today…or let something unkind they said go? Each day will be different.
3.) Ask God to allow you to see them the way He does.
Chances are if you’ve been dealing with a difficult person for a long time you’ve vilified them in your mind, and perhaps even to other people. (And on that note, stop gossiping about this person to others. As Christians we like to “pray for our brother and sisters in Christ when really we’re using it to share the latest gossip or find validation for thinking they are so horrible).
Maybe you need to see and understand that this person carries around a lot of hurt or rejection. Regardless, you need to recognize that they still need love.
4.) Pray for grace, patience, kindness…
.’cause you’re gonna need a lot of it.
5.) Pray for boldness when He asks you to speak up and address a wrong behavior or sin of theirs.
Pray for strength and forgiveness when He tells you to walk away.
6.) Look for ways to serve this person.
The more you do, the more you will notice your heart changing towards them.
7.) Ask God for your words to be full of both truth AND love.
8.) Pray about what actions you can take that will best point this person back to Christ.
Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15
We are called to love others, yes, even the difficult ones. But real love is not mushy or showy. Instead, it wants the best for them – no matter how we hope they get what they really deserve – and their relationship with Christ. This includes forgiving when we’d rather hold a grudge (and think we have every right to!) and standing up with the truth because we love that person too much to let them continue as they are.
If you liked this you might also enjoy: 5 Surprising Characteristics of a Peacemaker.
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I tend to flee as well, but I love your 6th tip about looking for ways to serve them. This actually reminds me I need to deal with a certain person.
Difficult to do, but it works 🙂
Knowing when to stay and speak up, when to back off, and when to set boundaries is definitely tricky business. I love your advice to put it in our Creator’s hands, and pay attention to what’s happening now, vs. running stories in our head about the person.
Absolutely! Puts things in perspective.
Great tips. In my last job, I worked with probably the most difficult person I’ve ever dealt with. It was a daily struggle. I tried so hard to be patient and find ways to help or support her. It ended up being a huge challenge for me as nothing really seemed to work. I realized I had to step out of my comfort zone and speak up. By calling her out, we were able to have a more open dialogue. It never fixed our issues. However, it allowed her to start to see me as more of an equal and someone that wasn’t just going to go away.
Yes, it’s a delicate balance between figuring out when to let things go, and when to speak up!
Awesome suggestions. And you’re so right that God loves them just as much as He loves me. Thank you for that reminder!
Great post! I need to get better about cutting people off.
I’ve had a situation like you describe with a leader in my local church. I refused to be critical or outspoken about this because I didn’t want it to cause any dissension. I did my part to stay engaged in projects with her and “kill her with kindness.” But mostly, I prayed. I asked God to show me any pride I had in the conflict. I asked to change both of our hearts. Time has mended things and we’re back to “normal” now.
Traci – thank you for sharing your success story!
This is a difficult one, I am the fleeing type as well :s. I love how you change the perspective, will try put that in practice 🙂
Such beautiful words and an inspiration to live by. I often find myself fleeing from difficult people to avoid dealing with them but it’s so true that prayer is the best way to overcome and deal. I love this. Thank you!
It really is. Thanks for stopping by, Liz!
This is a struggle, for sure! Thanks for sharing your insight.
Thank you for this. I tend to run from conflict as well. In facing a difficult situation last year, I finally had to stick it out until the end instead of running away like I normally do. It was extremely hard and taxing, but it was worth it in the end.
I am the same way, Sarah.
I love your posts. I’m pretty sure it’s because the fruit of the Spirit is abounding in your life. I completely agree with you. All these comments about cutting people out of your life, people are missing out on the opportunity to develop friendships, grow personally, and really, be more successful in life. I’m reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, which isn’t a Christian book, but basically, if you want to be successful, you have to change the way you respond to everyone, even the difficult people.
Susan,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. And to Win Friends is an excellent book that I need to re-read!
Great advice. I deal with people like this everyday, whether it’s at work or it’s a family member. And it’s taken me awhile to realized I can’t “fix” their actions, opinions, etc. So I just let go and let God!
Also great advice 🙂
Great tips! I pray for patience and guidance every day before going into work at my retail job. People are MEAN when they shop. I get that shopping is exhausting and lines aren’t fun but I don’t think that warrants rudeness. Because I have this outlook, I pray for patience and the strength to be extra nice and helpful to these difficult people – with the hopes that I can turn their day around and put a smile on their face. I will add more of your tips into my regiment and I think I can really help spread some positivity.
Lauren – I love this! Who knows, maybe your kindness will turn around ALL their days and help them return the favor. 🙂
I love this Sarah! Really great advice 🙂 especially because we all have to deal with difficult people in our day to day lives. I’ll definitely be using these tips next time I run into a difficult person 😉
xo Nicole
Thanks, Nicole. Plenty of people to practice on out there. haha! 🙂
Thanks for sharing! Just this week I had a similar talk with a friend of mine… your post is like the dot on the I.
Good reminder that God doesn’t give up on us so we should try with those difficult people. No more running.
These situations require a lot of discernment. We have to pray and seek the Lord each day to know how to respond. Like you said, sometimes the response isn’t always the same.
Yes, definitely different situations require different approaches – all with God’s wisdom hopefully!
I tend to run too. I hate conflict. I’m struggling with my relationship with my dad … have been for years. I’m at the point where I might just let it go. I don’t know.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you two find common ground!
I agree with everything in your post. I think sometimes my problem in dealing with difficult people is that I have not clearly stated my expectations, wishes our boundaries for a relationship with a difficult person. The older I get, the more I am realizing that often difficult people simply don’t respect boundaries. A kind yet firm conversation when my personal boundaries are crossed makes all the difference in the world (or not, they may never care about personal boundaries!)
Yes! Sometimes this involves tough conversations
Great Read. I could have really used this last year. But saving it for future ref. Thanks for posting
Yes, yes, yes! I actually have a huge heart for those who are troubled and difficult, especially teens. Even though I have a heart for them, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy! Thanks for these reminders!
I needed these reminders in my life because I’m currently struggling so much with a difficult person in my life and it has really escalated in a negative way over the last few weeks. Thank you again for these words and tips!
#6 is SO hard, but also probably the most important…to be kind, gracious and helpful to the person you most want to ignore, lol
-Clarissa @ The View From Here
Good tips. I will remember this for when I’m dealing with difficult people. Thank you!
thebookofmolly.com
This post is perfect. I just started a new job where I will be dealing with a lot of difficult people. Thank you for these tips!! so helpful
Camille. Very welcome. I hope they come in handy!
This is definitely a hard thing to do, but so worth it. I also tend to run away, but it doesn’t solve anything or make anyone feel better. You give such great advice.
I am also a runner! I do not like conflict, but it is a part of life. I love that you say to try not to give up. It is important to always see the best in others.
Great article! I really appreciate the specific way you are praying for difficult people. It’s a refreshing perspective, especially because I tend to avoid them.